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space hoes

no moar

The worse this gets the more "clinical" it really starts to feel. For every terrible day, experience, or person, I have to give myself a new diagnosis or dosage of something in some attempt to eliminate the ugly way I feel. I've mapped out my entire week with shit I've never really even done, like schedules, playdates, outings with my brother. As if a certain sliver of sunshine or the presence of certain people will reshape my insides. But they always stay the same. Or if for a breif moment something does change, I escape it and things revert right back to the way they always were. I can get very caught up in the notion that this might end one day and the more time progresses, I realize it won't. Not ever. Everything always remains the same no matter how much the trivialities and accessories can be altered. I guess I'm just at the point where I simply do not know what to do. I'm just waiting for everything to completely split apart and get destroyed instead of this agonizing drawn-out process of slow decay.

Going shopping with my brother tommorrow is not going to alter my mood and change my life. I just want some new tapers. And having larger sized gauges in my ears is not going to make glory rain down for the goddamn heavens either. Seriously? I haven't felt this unhappy in almost two years. I have everything now, so many things to do. But anything I could do is void of all real purpose. I have to plan shit. Let's hang out today, let's go to a movie on this day, lets pop a bean Friday because I don't work Saturday morning, let's include this person today. Reminds me having to touch walls and shelves when I was 15. Everything is so forced. Nothing at all comes naturally to me the way it does for other people and I'm never ever going to fucking understand WHY. I know people are probably tired of hearing me complain about this but it keeps coming back and I don't know what to do. I still have not found the visceral experience I've been seeking out, the one I find in all of the literature I read and the music I hear. I want to feel a part of something for once and not just be the jealous observer who misses out on everything. I'm sick of the vastness of all there is to experience being reduced to a giant bag of hollow phrases. Nothing anyone can say to means anything to me right now. I feel like an antelope that just got ripped to pieces by some carnivorous evil, oh but that's the way its supposed to be that's the natural order of things. There's nothing I can do to get away from this.

People are always leaving me because they can't take me seriously. I'm an awful carcicature, a walking sideshow, a big fat fucking joke. I really hate the people I know sometimes. I love everyone but all they care about is smoking weed every day. All they care about is shitty lyrics and the three basic chords. Settling for something less than what they want or deserve. I don't want to sink the bottom where they are all huddling together. But they're my friends, so what do I do? Maybe being trapped in my house isn't that bad.

Fuck this. I want to be normal. I wish there was some pill I could take that could erase all of this. Who the fuck is even so horribly cripped by their existential faggotry anymore? I can't complete simple tasks because of some retarded philosophical ideals I've been clutching like a crucifix for fucking years. I want to be able to experience simplistic love for things, be hopeful occasionally, and have fantasies about a future. Why the fuck can everyone else do this except for me? Why is everything such a terribly complicated process why do the fucking tiny details matter so much and more why why why? Despite everything, I still want to try. Maybe there's something better than this. Maybe there isn't. But I suppose I care enough to stick around for a little bit.

Comments

:(
Well, let me first say that if I could put it into such an adequate summary, I would have made the exact same post as you, long ago. But I never have been able to put it into words, or felt that anyone would really care. And even if they did, what can they say?
I can entirely relate to you, even now. I was better for, what, 3 months? And now I've fallen right back down to the bottom of everything. I can't remember what it feels like to want to make plans with people, or feel okay about getting out of bed. It was nice for a while though.
I want to deactivate my facebook, because I'm so fucking sick of everyone's "college bound" statuses. I think a great deal of our stress comes from us not having any plans for our future. But then again, what good are future plans when you don't want today to happen?
"I want to feel a part of something for once and not just be the jealous observer who misses out on everything." - I feel left out of everything all the time. I hate watching movies that feature great friendships or relationships, because I've never had one that's lasted long enough to feel like it was worth it. And everytime I'm out with people, I feel like it's fake. And I can only count how long I have until I can go back to my house and retreat to my room, where I don't have to pretend to be an appealing person.
I wish I could tell you what to do to make it all better. I had a great 3 months of relief from this fucking bullshit, and it was nice. But that's how antidepressants work- for a while, then not at all. I mean, the best I can do is make you believe that I know exactly how you feel- the depression, anxiety, hate, etc. hah. But these are our shitty lives, and it's kinda been proven that I can't do anything to change mine.
what the fuck does "poping a bean" mean? you crazy kids and your lingo. cheer up. or don't.
there IS a pill that will erase everything. its called Suboxone.
http://www.rxlist.com/suboxone-drug.htm


(Anonymous)

practice letting go. stop caring so much. give yourself time to reassign what's valuable in your life and go after new experiences with an open mind.

don't talk to other lost folks. don't listen to joy division.
<3
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space hoes

September 2010

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